Glitched Gospel: 80,000 Scarred by AI Sermon Hack

News From the Future

An official apology and call for calm has been released by the Excellent Church of Christ following a mass self-harm event involving nearly 80,000 congregants. The incident occurred after a malicious hack of the Church’s sermon-generating artificial intelligence led followers to carve an erroneous version of a holy icon into their foreheads. This revelation has sparked a backlash among millions of paid subscribers, many of whom expressed shock that the Church utilizes automated software; they had previously believed all messages were divine revelations transcribed by human clergy. In response, the organization has denied any legal responsibility, citing “Terms of Service” clauses which state that all spiritual guidance is strictly advisory and that the Church cannot be held accountable for the independent choices of individuals exercising their own free will.

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